10 MORE over-the-top things your patients have said

Stockbyte | Comstock

Stockbyte | Comstock

Nurse Agatha put together a list of the most over-the-top things her patients have said to her, and as you can imagine, the things she’s heard are pretty great.

We started thinking that you have probably heard your own great lines, so we asked you over at our Facebook Funny Nurses page. And boy, you didn’t disappoint! Check out 10 of the top comments you’ve heard below. (Warning: Some of these are a bit risqué, as you may guess!)

“I had a pt in for a street drug overdose… I offered him a Coke, and his reply? ‘No, I try to stay away from caffeine… That stuff’s so bad for you!'”
—Andrea G.

“During a bed bath, a confused patient thought another nurse and I were stewardesses and said, ‘This is the strangest flight I’ve ever been on.'”
—Valerie G.

“Second semester of nursing school, I was giving an elderly man an enema. He laughed and said, ‘It’s all right, honey. You’ve gotta start somewhere. You’re just starting at the bottom.'”
—Heather H.

“A patient told me he has urinary leakage. When I asked him if he used adult briefs, he replied, ‘No, I just tie my foreskin in a knot.’ During physical exam, his statement was confirmed!”
—Melanie P.

“I had an older man tell me he had this big belly because he was having an elephant. I said, ‘Oh really?’ and he asked me if I wanted to see its trunk….”
—Angie C.

“I once had a patient ask what time her autopsy was scheduled for….”
—Kelli B.

One old fem pt, while I was completing her hygiene care, told me her pet name for her vagina was ‘Parker’…I, of course, had to ask why, and she replied, ‘Because my husband always used to have his penis parked there!'”
—Justine D.

“Flu season in the nursing home so ANY symptom got TPR. Taking rectal temp on a demented female patient who had laxity of the jaw and could not close her mouth for an oral and she says, ‘G*d damn you, Jack, get that thing out off my butt!’ We regained composure and asked her if Jack was her husband’s name. She replies, ‘No, Jack’s my neighbor, why?’ It has been 20 years and I still remember that!”
Laura M.

“My penis hurts!” (female patient)
Travis R.

“I brought a patient a Norco for a headache and he told me, ‘These don’t look like the ones I buy on the street!!!’ I told him, ‘Sir, we have a different supplier.'”
Kris W.

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David Rogers

David Rogers is a writer and editor living in Athens, Ga. After graduating with a degree from the Grady College of Journalism and Mass Communication at the University of Georgia, he spent time as a freelance journalist and musician in Nashville, Tenn. Returning to his home state of Georgia, he began working as a full-time freelance journalist and enjoys writing about a wide variety of topics for the Scrubs community.

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5 Responses to 10 MORE over-the-top things your patients have said

  1. larry

    while. removing. a fecal. impaction. on a. female. With. Alzheimer s. , she .yelled. Frank,.Frank. that s. the. wrong. hole”

  2. mrsrdrr

    I had a man present to the E.D. He was holding his eye like his life depended on it.He told me some “black stuff” had come out of his eye and he thought it may have been his pupil !!

  3. carolslee1949

    Years ago, I was given an elderly patient to admit, who had Alzheimer’s and kept refusing to take medication. One of the medications was a laxative for chronic constipation. Apparently, this was a common occurrence and she was admitted frequently for impaction removal. She spoke only Spanish and I did not. As I was getting equipment together, I heard her screaming in Spanish. Some of the other Spanish-speaking nurse started laughing. I asked what was so funny. One replied, “She says, the baby is coming!” Entering the room, there she was, in lithotomy position, attempting to push out a HUGE fecal bolus. We finally “delivered” the baby, along with a few smaller siblings. She wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl!

  4. GAyle

    ONe Christmas Eve, I and another RN were trying our best to cheer up a disgruntled post-op Patient who had emergency surgery 2 days previous and was not getting home for the big Holiday celebrations.Nothing seemed to help. Suddenly we heard Christmas carols being sung on the ground floor, and looked out to see the local Salvation army droning out a few bars of some traditional carol. MUsical accompaniement was a bit off tune and behind the singers, but wee convinced our glum patient to accompany us to the window and look out to enjoy the spirit of Christmas. his comment??? “Well, it ain’t exactly Bill Haley and the Commets”!

  5. Ieatmento2

    At the nursing home on the night shift. I had a female resident crying out. Upon entering the room she says, ” I just gave birth to twins!”, she had had a HUGH bowel movement.