10 of the most memorable things your patients have ever said!

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Patients say the darndest things…are we right?! So we asked our Funny Nurses Facebook fans for the most memorable, over-the-top things their patients have ever said to them. Check out their hilarious responses below and get ready to LAUGH!

1. I had a patient in for a street drug overdose. I offered him a Coke and he replied, “No, I try to stay away from caffeine… that stuff’s so bad for you!”
Andrea S.

2. In my second semester of nursing school, I was giving an elderly man an enema. He laughed and said, “It’s alright, honey. You’ve gotta start somewhere. You’re just starting at the bottom.”
Heather L. 

3. I once had a patient ask what time her autopsy was scheduled for…
Kelli B. 

4. “A woman must have invented the IV machine…’cause all it does is beep and nag.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or be offended!
Angie C. 

5.  A woman asked me if I could remove some urine from her catheter so she can use it as eye drops. Apparently she had been doing it for years.
Kiddo W.

6. “The herbs in Hot Pockets made me overweight!”
Tracy A. 

7. Patient to me: “I can’t sleep.” Me: “I can get you something to help you sleep.” Patient: “Do you have breast milk? It’s soothing and it always puts me to sleep.” Me in my head: “Okay, whatever you say!”
Skerritt A. 

8. I worked for an oxygen company and a lady wanted her oxygen concentrator picked up. When I asked why, she said, “I don’t want to get addicted to it, I want to be able to breathe without oxygen.” I had to put her on hold so I could compose myself. All I could think of to say was, “Too late!”
Christina S.

9. “I have had “very close veins” (varicose veins) for years.”
 Keren B.

10. Five-year-old girl. While we were holding her down to draw labs, she said, “My mom’s gonna kick your butt!”
Richard F.

What’s the most over-the-top thing a patient’s ever said to you?

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10 Responses to 10 of the most memorable things your patients have ever said!

  1. babytoes

    I thought I had explained jaundice treatment to the new family, but I heard Grandma on the phone, telling someone if the baby’s jaundice got any worse “they’re going to have to put him under photosynthesis.”

  2. NytAngel

    A patient almost ran over my foot with their wheel chair. When I jumped out of the way he said ” you should have let me hit you, so you could get a retarted check”. I’m sure he meant disability.

  3. Sara

    A patient in isolation once told me: “you smell just like a nurse should smell” I guess it was a compliment, but I couldn’t help laughing….

  4. Crankatha

    One night around 3 am, my colleague and I were sitting at the desk working on documentation . All of as man is calling out from the room next to the station, which was her was her assignment. The patient, afflicted with dementia yells out, “Its dark in here! It’s dark in here!” Without batting an eyelash or even looking up, my coworker says “Bob, you’re blind!”. The patient replies, “Oh yeah” and went back to sleep! I laughed so hard!

  5. Dwesson

    When I was working a med/surge unit, I once has an elderly gentleman, about 90 years old, that had a TURP. This was back when they were in the hospital until their catheter came out. I went into this gentleman a room to remove his catheter. He flat refused! He started crying and begged me to leave it in. I asked if he was afraid he couldn’t urinate without it. He said no honey this us the first erection I’ve had in 40 years and I don’t want to lose it. I had to leave the room!

  6. imtacomama

    My granddaughter has “loop loops” (lupus) — they thought it was her “tie rod” (thyroid) but it wasn’t.

  7. imtacomama

    I have pollocks (polyps) in my colon.

  8. tammythaxton@yahoo.com

    I cared for an elderly man who kept loudly demanding his “blow job”…….AKA inhaler.

  9. Animity

    I have COPD really bad. I’ve had to be “incubated” three times

  10. NEPhillyRN

    While assessing my lethargic, asthmatic in the ED Me: did you take anything to make you sleepy PT: yes, marijuana Me: when did you smoke marijuana? PT: right after shooting heroin. SMH