I do not make New Year’s resolutions. The very thought annoys me. If I make resolutions, I make them around my birthday or on the first day of spring, although most of the time I’m like Calvin from “Calvin and Hobbes:” perfect the way I am.
If you’re looking for some slightly belated resolutions, though, I do have a few suggestions.
1. I hereby resolve not to dance around my patient’s room, cackling, prior to inserting a Foley catheter or large-bore IV.
This one only holds if the person in question is conscious. If they’re not, you do you.
2. I hereby resolve to eat something green at least three times a week for lunch or dinner.
Green M&Ms and green Skittles do not count. You have to eat something that did not come from the vending machine in the basement.
3. I hereby resolve not to respond to questions from doctors or other colleagues with the words, “Do I look like I have my Stupid Suit on? No, I don’t think I do.”
Okay, well, don’t do that more than once every couple of months.
4. I hereby resolve to get enough sleep prior to the start of my shift.
Yes, 15 minutes in the shower equals eight hours of sleep, but not for long periods of time.
5. I hereby resolve not to mock, even a little, the surgical resident’s new haircut.
Not even behind his back, not even if it’s a faux-hawk.
6. I hereby resolve to conform to facility standards by writing my own name on the whiteboards in the patient rooms, not “There Is No Nurse, Only ZUUL” or “Shiva, Destroyer of Germs.”
Yes, that was me, just prior to an unannounced Joint Commission survey.