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Whether you’ve just hit the nursing floor with your first pair of clogs or you’re rounding the corner to your ten year anniversary as a nurse—you might see a little of yourself in this list (or who you used to be!). Take a moment to peruse and have a chuckle.

Are you a new nurse or an experienced nurse?

A new nurse throws up when the patient does.
An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up.

A new nurse wears so many pins on her name badge that you can’t read it.
An experienced nurse doesn’t wear a name badge for liability reasons.

A new nurse charts too much.
An experienced nurse doesn’t chart enough.

A new nurse loves to run to codes.
An experienced nurse makes new nurses run to codes.

A new nurse wants everyone to know she’s a nurse.
An experienced nurse doesn’t want anyone to know she’s a nurse.

A new nurse keeps detailed notes on a pad.
An experienced nurse writes on the back of her hand, paper scraps, napkins, etc.

A new nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.
An experienced nurse will chart the patient who is disoriented and restrain him.

A new nurse can hear a beeping I-med at 50 yards.
An experienced nurse can’t hear any alarms at any distance.

A new nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.
An experienced nurse doesn’t want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic.

A new nurse spends two hours giving a patient a bath.
An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath.

A new nurse thinks people respect nurses.
An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse.

A new nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.
An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody.

A new nurse looks for a chance “to work with the family.”
An experienced nurse avoids the family.

A new nurse expects meds and supplies to be delivered on time.
An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all.

A new nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient.
An experienced nurse will insert a Foley catheter.

A new nurse always answers her phone.
An experienced nurse checks the caller ID before answering the phone.

A new nurse thinks psych patients are interesting.
An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are crazy.

A new nurse carries reference books in her bag.
An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch and some “cough syrup” in her bag.

A new nurse doesn’t find this list funny.
An experienced nurse does.

Jupiter Images | Creatas | Getty Images

Been asked to stay late — again — on the weekend? You lucky duck! Here are ten humorous ways to see the silver lining!

 
10. Think of all the weight you’ll lose from not getting to eat because of short staffing.

9. Think of the closeness you’ll develop with your coworkers after being knee deep in Code 10s, Code Blues and Code Browns.

8. Everyone is frazzled, so next to them you look fabulous!

7. Think of what a challenge it will be to your nursing skills to run a code without a crash cart because they are all down in Central Supply being replaced.

6. You’ll get the joy of having the previous shift’s charge nurse tell you, “I don’t understand why no one would return my calls to work today or tonight. Oh, and by the way, you have four nurses for this shift and a full house of patients sick as dog dirt.”

5. You’re a new grad and you want to be a “team player” like your head nurse told you to be. (That and you have “sucker” stamped on your forehead!)

4. When you go home with your back aching from not having any nursing assistants who work weekends, and your feet aching from running your butt off for “emergency procedures” (like the gas pain your patient has had for a week that is suddenly unbearable), you’ll know that you really ARE a caregiver.

3. Think of all the computer skills you’ll gain from putting in your own orders and ordering supplies from Central Supply because your Unit Secretary got pulled to another unit. (That can go on your resume as “Know how to operate multiple outdated computer equipment.”)

2. You don’t have time to adequately chart, so you may get to learn how our judicial system works. On the bright side, your handwriting will be so bad that it can say whatever you want it to say!

1. Think of what a GREAT “learning experience” this will be. (Translation: You just got shafted!)

Corbis Photography | Veer

This list? It comes straight from nurses who apparently have seen it all.

But maybe you’ve seen worse?

10. The man who snuck in three cats to visit his asthmatic mother

9. The visitor who ate all his father’s food, then rang the nurse to say that the patient was still hungry and needed another tray

8. The wife who asked you to take her stroked-out husband to the bathroom whenever SHE really was the one who had to go

7. The son who emptied his mother’s colostomy bag into the wastebasket

6. The husband who fell asleep in the patient’s bed while his wife was in the bathroom

5. The wife who discontinued her husband’s central line herself because “John likes to sleep on his right side”

4. The 80-year-old daughter of the 98-year-old man, who kept turning off her father’s continuous gastric feeding because “He never eats this much at home”

3. The children of one patient who insisted upon using their mother’s portable IPPB machine as a scooter in the hallway

2. The husband who kept sneaking in chocolates for his newly diagnosed diabetic wife

1. The man who never actually visited his mother, but called 12 times every shift to criticize the nurses, the doctors, the food and anything else that came to mind

Share your own nightmare visitor story!

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Maybe the cavemen DID have it right. We mean, they ate roots, and isn’t that what we’re encouraged to eat today as part of a healthy diet?

In fact, we’ve got the feeling that medicine has a pretty darn circular history. This funny timeline confirms that hunch is right on the money.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

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1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2011 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Image: image100 Photography | Veer

Surgeon:

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound

Is more productive than a train

Is faster than a speeding bullet

Walks on water

Talks with God

The internist –>

Jupiterimages | Polka Dot | Getty Images

A man goes in for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics.

“How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“Oh, about 165,” he says.

The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 197.

The nurse asks, “Your height?”

“Oh, about six feet,” he says.

The nurse checks and sees that he’s only 5 feet 6 3/4 inches.

She then takes his blood pressure, and it’s very high.

“High!” the man says, “Well, what did you expect? When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, I’m short and fat!”

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Remember all those ‘right reasons’ you had for going into nursing?

Take a break and have a chuckle at some of these ‘alternate reasons’ for going into the profession.

10. I love to wear white support hose.

9. I get a kick out of arrogant doctors.

8. It’s more challenging than brain surgery.

7. I get free latex gloves.

6. The scrubs are so flattering to my figure.

5. The world doesn’t need any more lawyers.

4. I actually like vending machine food.

3. Somebody has to train the residents.

2. I get to spend the holidays with my friends…at work.

1. I always wanted to say, “This won’t hurt a bit.”

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These three nursing jokes from Nursefriendly.com take a look at what nurses do best – identify the pain and provide relief. Plus, a look at what happens when doctors go to hell!

Patient Reassurance
Respiratory Assessments
Doctor in Hell

Next: Patient Reassurance

Image: iStockphoto | Thinkstock

“I am Gina the Great,” stated the lady. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise. 

The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish.

 Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.”

 With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone. 

The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.” 

With a puff of smoke, she too was gone. 

“Now, what is the last wish?” asked the lady. 

The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”

Image: Hemera | Thinkstock

Caffeine is my shepherd;

With it beside me, I shall not doze.

It maketh me wake in green pastures:

It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz:

It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its namesake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,

I will fear no Equal™:

For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar, they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:

Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the House of Mochas forever.

Editor’s note: Thanks to Nursefriendly.com for this delightful…and memorable…prayer.