What are you missing? What could you do in the next year? The next three years? The next five? I think a lot of nurses fail to acknowledge that they might not want to do the type of nursing they are currently in forever.

Take advantage of any educational classes that your institution might offer. For example, if your institution offers free ACLS for everyone, don’t ignore that just because you work in a Pediatric unit. Take the class–you never know when you might want to hop on over to the adult ortho unit!

I tell nurses to ensure that they have their own five-year plan. That way, no one else tries to make it up for you!

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I hesitate to say I never get sick because whenever you say never, it is the equivalent to shouting out, “Here I am infectious world! Come and get me!”

It is the horror movie equivalent to saying, “I’m going to go check this out alone. I’ll be right back.”

It is the … well, you get the idea. Never say never.

I would say, however, that I rarely get sick. I think part of this is because I spent most of my first year of nursing sick all the time. After a year of coughs, colds, vomiting, and the like, my immune system just got better at the whole immunity thing. But I also think that the following tips may have helped:

1) I am crazy about washing my hands. I carry antimicrobial hand sanitizer everywhere. In every purse, in every gym bag, in every nook and cranny of my house. I even carry it in my car and I sanitize when I get in the car from anything…the grocery store, the gas station, ALL THE TIME!

2) I don’t wear my work shoes in the car or in the house. They stay in the garage, on the front porch, or in the trunk of my car.

3) I try to be SUPER aware of touching my face. Before I do touch my face, eat, put on lipstick or anything I…yes, you guessed it, sanitize.

4) I take a multi-vitamin every day and try to drink at least one liter of water. I know what you don’t use you pee out, but it just makes me feel better.

5) I exercise at least three times per week. It is good for the mind and body. And, I think, for the immune system!!

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Triage is one of the funniest places to work–people tell you things that are usually reserved for therapists and intimate partners.

My friend used to work in an ED in the South and encountered a woman who wrote on her triage intake sheet: “I got sprouts coming out of my juju bean.”

Apparently she wasn’t embarrassed about the sprout part, but couldn’t bring the proper southern belle in her to call her “juju bean” its proper name—vagina.

This woman suffered from a common malady of a prolapsed uterus and had placed a potato in her vaginal canal as a sort of organic pessary. In such a dark and moist place, the potato did what it was meant to do and “sprouted.”

I applaud her not only for being creative but also for being super green. Environmentalists unite!

Got a funny story to share? Submit it here!

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I know that many of us hate working on the holidays. Chances are, if you are or ever have been a floor nurse, you have worked at least one holiday in your career.

One of my favorite “holiday at work” stories took place on Thanksgiving a few years ago. We were all grumbling about working on Turkey Day instead of being at home with our friends and families. Then a patient came in who trumped us all.

Not only was he admitted to the hospital on Thanksgiving, but it was his BIRTHDAY as well! As if that wasn’t enough, his entire family was going to be at his house, so his wife had to go home to finish cooking. There he was, all alone, on Thanksgiving and his birthday.

One of the nurses went across the street to the cafeteria and bought him a muffin. We found a candle and all went in to sing him “Happy Birthday.” The surprise in his eyes was awesome. Then we realized that we all could watch the parade in his room, and we had our very own Happy Birth-Thanksgiving-Day Celebration—nursing style!

Whenever I am annoyed about working on a holiday, I remember that patient. Obviously, we were all supposed to be at work on that day so that we could make his day a little brighter and make him a little bit better. And maybe he will always save a tiny piece of cake for us nurses!

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“Mikey will eat it.” Isn’t that how the Life cereal commercial went?

Well, the ER staff are the Mikeys of the hospital. I swear, anytime someone has a meeting and there is food left over it somehow always ends up in the ER break room. It is strange how the hospital always thinks about the ER when it comes to leftover food and not leftover beds!

If they truly felt sorry for us it would be the other way around…

The strangest food combinations can be brought down and within an hour ALL of it will be consumed. Once, sandwich meat, rice, fruit, and meatballs ended up in the break room. Yep, all gone almost instantly. The presence of food in the break room travels as fast as word of a natural disaster. It is almost as if there is a secret flashing light that goes off to let everyone know “Hey! Free weird food in the break room!”

I have even had parties at home and brought the mounds of leftover food or cake to work the next day and sure enough, gone! Even at nine in the morning, somehow cake will go missing. Every once in awhile I partake in the free food but those of you who have read my blog before know I have a thing with potlucks and unknown food origins so usually the food ‘donated’ to us grosses me out.

However, if there is ever a chocolate chip cookie that makes its way down to our group lounge area, I will scoop it up every single time!

Does your department get the leftovers like ours does?

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ME: So, Molly, what did you put in your nose?

Molly: (big sigh) A CRAYON.

ME: What color is the crayon?

Molly: (she did not think this was as funny as I did and releases an even bigger sigh) BLUE.

ME: Why did you put the crayon up your nose?

Molly: (So irritated at this point that she actually rolled her eyes…I didn’t even know that 4 year old kids could do that!) I DON’T KNOW!!!

This was not Molly’s first rodeo. Tell me your funniest kid story!

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If you’re lucky, your mentor will be both a source of information and inspiration. But even the best nurses sometimes leave out what you really wish you’d known on your first months on the job.

Here, a reminder that sometimes the lessons we learn can come much, much later.

1) You won’t know when you are in the “Good Ol’ Days”

I remember the perfect lunch breaks. But I didn’t know they were perfect when I was in the midst of them. My favorite people were there and we had an hour to tell stories and laugh and laugh and laugh. The lunch hour flew by; it was never enough.

Then our hour breaks got cut down to 45 minutes. One nurse moved away to another state, one moved a few hours away, a couple transferred to different shifts so they took their breaks at different times, and well, it just became a different environment altogether. But I never knew we were in the midst of the good ol’ days until, well, they were gone.

2) It never gets easier, just more complicated.

You think when you are off of orientation, you are officially a grown-up RN. You have succeeded. You know it all. And then you realize, the more you know, the more you are expected to know, and just when you know what you know AND what you are expected to know…they change the equipment, the policy, the computer system, the patient care, the physical layout of the department, and it goes on and on.

3) You’ll never stop crying.

Either from laughing or from the realization that you are one sick and crazy person to voluntarily come to work to deal with the routine, daily shenanigans of working in a hospital. Sometimes you actually cry because you are frustrated or sad or just having a bad day…but I find most my tears come from being on the brink of occupational insanity.

4) Life isn’t fair.

You will watch young people get sick and die and evil and mean people come back from a cardiac arrest totally intact. You will watch nice nurses get beat up on by cantankerous physicians, you will see completely incompetent nurses get promoted, you will experience the squeaky wheel getting the grease.

5) One day, you will be the mentor.

I still remember the day that I looked around and realized that I had the most experience in the department at that time. Not that I had the most experience in the department, I only had it at that given time. That means everyone is going to look to me when the code brown hits the fan. I started to panic, at first a little, then a whole lot. But I just took a deep breath and remembered, that I was taught pretty darn well by my mentor; even though he forgot to tell me a few things.

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So I thought perhaps I should share a few more interview tips with everyone.

1) If the person who is going to interview you is walking you back to the conference room or office (wherever the interview is going to take place) walk as fast or as slowly as they are. I hate when I turn around and the person is walking ten feet behind me. If you aren’t used to wearing four inch heels, today may not be the best first day to try them.

2) Look professional. Seriously. I think you should dress nicely but some disagree with me and think scrubs are fine. OK, fine, if you are going to wear scrubs at least make sure they aren’t wrinkled and they match.

3) Know something about the organization for which you are applying. If you are applying to work in a CICU, know if they do heart transplants. A little homework will always pay off.

So there you have it, a few more tips for you. Happy job hunting!

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Let’s face it: Nursing can be one intense gig.

When I need to get my job out of my head, I try to find easy and light reads. Here are my picks for right now:

1) Does the noise in my head bother you? By Steven Tyler. I love the homage paid to schizophrenics in the title. And I love Aerosmith. Win Win.

2) Bossy pants by Tina Fey. Love her, love her comedy, and have been told by many I will love her book.

3) The Help by Kathryn Stockett. I know they are turning it into a movie but I want to read the book first. My mom loved it and has insisted that I read it as well. It looks great.

What are your “escapist” recommendations?

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I have some recommendations for triage. These recommendations are not based on evidence, research or anything that remotely resembles scholarly thinking.

They are just based only on my humble and creative opinion. I don’t know how your triage area works but ours is a little bit of a pain to maneuver around; especially when you have someone in a wheelchair. So I thought of an idea where you sit all the patients in wheelchairs and program the chairs with numbers.

Then, much like the dry cleaners, you punch in the number and the patient is brought to you via a motorized rack mounted to the ceiling. Think of the benefits! No more straining your voice yelling over the din of the waiting room! No more crashing wheelchairs into walls. No more lost patients! The possibilities are definitely promising!!

My second improvement has to do with patients going to the back first based on talent, ala American Idol style. Of course, those people who are the MOST sick would still go back first, I am not unethical or anything. But the remaining mid acuity patients could compete and those who are the most entertaining, talented, or otherwise thought provoking could have their care expedited.

It may be a little unorthodox but it might just provide a solution to the ED overcrowding problem that we face daily. Or at the very least, it would make the shift go by faster!