10 evolutionary wishes for nurses

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According to evolutionary theory, we all evolved from more basic species.

Animals grew limbs if they needed them and developed lungs to live on the ground. Some changed colors to blend into the fauna, while others developed serious defense mechanisms, like the quills on a porcupine.

So, as evolution continues, perhaps the perfect nurse will evolve from the simple human she is right now. And here’s what this new creature would have:

1. A 50-gallon bladder
Have you ever tried doing CPR when you really, really, REALLY needed to pee? Enough said.

2. Fingers that detect temperature readings and are able to switch between Fahrenheit and Celsius
No more searching for thermometers and no more “What was his temp again?” No more frustration because the electronic thermometer wasn’t charged, no more searching for said thermometer and, if you work in an area that still uses glass thermometers, no more having them fly out of your fingers as you try to shake them down.

3. Retractable rollers under the feet
These rollers would allow the nurse to zip from one end of the hall to the other with minimal effort. They would have adjustable speeds: fast, faster and Code Blue.

4. Adjustable olfactory senses
Sometimes, being able to smell odors is a little too much for a nurse. We really don’t want to be able to tell if a patient has c. diff just by the smell of it. Seriously.

5. Four hands
We really would want more, but where would we put them? This wish is self-explanatory.

6. A hard-drive brain with ever-expanding memory
This would be awesome. Sitting in report, we would remember everything we are told about our patients without having to write anything down (and then having to decipher our handwriting). We would be able to rattle off lab results and observations when the attending pops out of nowhere and wants to know what’s going on. Yup. Awesome.

7. An internal translation system
Not only would we be able to translate from any language to any language, but we would also be able to understand mumbling and doctor-speak. That would be a major feat in itself.

8. Arms capable of lifting the heaviest patient
No more having to find rooms with ceiling lifts or portable Hoyer lifts. The super-nurse would be able to grab any patient and lift him safely.

9. Psychic powers
Wouldn’t it be nice to know exactly what time the doctor will come in so the family in 345 will stop asking? What about knowing if a patient is going to crash just before you’re about to start a complicated dressing on another patient? Psychic powers would go a long way to helping us organize our days a bit better.

10. A sense of humor
It’s hard to get through some of our stressful days. A sense of humor and the ability to put things into perspective can make these days bearable. But if you think about it, we don’t need the future for this. This is one thing we can do right now. Are you game?

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Marijke Durning

Marijke is a professional writer who began her working career as a registered nurse over 25 years ago. After working in clinical areas ranging from rehab to intensive care, as a floor nurse to a supervisor, she found she could combine her extensive health knowledge with her love of writing. Although she has been published in a wide variety of publications for professionals and the general public, her passion is writing for the every day person to promote health literacy.

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9 Responses to 10 evolutionary wishes for nurses

  1. Argy

    I’m currently a nursing student, and although all of these sound nice (they really made me crack up), I must admit that the ever-expanding brain sounds really nice right about now!

  2. Love the retractable roller idea for nursing shoes and clogs! A sense of humor is definitely needed too.

  3. Carol

    OH MAN SIGN ME UP!!!!. I will be the lab rat for these advances. But think I have a head start on the 50 gallon bladder-23+ years as a nurse will do that to you.

  4. DB

    I think telepathic abilities should be added to the list. That way we could “think” requests to MDs and pharmacists and immediately get responses.
    Oncology RN

  5. Pat

    Some of already have #2. Its called a “Mom thermometer”.

  6. Martin

    “simple human she AND he”

    Thank you!

  7. Renee

    i think i have a great sense of humor, but my supervisor thinks i am being RUDE to my patients or lacking in consideration…….she is the one who dosen’t have a sense of humor at all and needs to take about 5mg of Xanax before she comes to work….lol

  8. acates11 Caption Contest

    Xray eyes would be helpful if you had a plug in to print off the X-rays. This would cut down the time waiting of the xray tech.

  9. hindy125

    Lie detection ability would be nice too: A patient looks at you and calmly whispers, “My pain is 9/10. I needs Percocet.” Are they being brave and stoic? or a drug seeker looking for a fix. I want to know.