If I had Super-Scrubs…
Scrubs don’t protect the average wearer against much. I routinely get peed on, bled on, vomited on (when I can’t dodge) and am generally exposed to bodily fluids that you don’t see outside of a horror movie. And they soak through my scrubs.
If I could wave a magic Nursing Wand, though, and make my scrubs into Super-Scrubs, this is what I’d protect against:
1. Any bodily fluid that isn’t mine. You’ve all had enough experience by now to know what I mean.
2. That one family member with an iPad and Internet access. Most questions I can field without a problem. Bring in that one family member with Google, though, and I start to feel a little shaky.
3. Management. Why do they have to come around just when there’s some nasty, gross, sweaty crisis unfolding? My Super-Scrubs would send them to the mezzanine floor with their clipboards and donors and keep them away until the end of the shift.
4. Crises that happen 10 minutes before the end of shift. With Super-Scrubs, every patient would maintain homeostasis until the off-going shift had gotten out of the parking lot.
5. Gross cafeteria food. Are you looking at something nasty that goes by the name “gumbo”? Super-Scrubs will transform it into a nicely grilled portion of salmon, a spinach salad with strawberries and goat cheese, and a chocolate flourless cake in an instant!
What would you protect against if you had an impenetrable shield?
Agatha Lellis is a nurse whose coffee is brought to her every morning by a chipmunk. Bluebirds help her to dress, and small woodland creatures sing her to sleep each night. She writes a monthly advice column, "Ask Aunt Agatha," here on Scrubs; you can send her questions to be answered at firstname.lastname@example.org.
By Agatha Lellis