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If your hospital were Hogwarts…

iStock | chris148

iStock | chris148

If your hospital were Hogwarts, it would look like this:

Cardiology would definitely be Ravenclaw. And GI/Urology? Slytherin. Not because GI docs or urologists are evil, but because Slytherin combines the brains and ruthlessness necessary to create a new bladder out of intestines.

Neurosurgery would be in Gryffindor. Duh. Neurology would probably be Hufflepuff; neurologists are committed plodders, and neurosurgeons tend to be Snitch-snatching cowboys.

Moaning Myrtle would supervise the annual mock surveys. Hagrid would be in charge of the transport and environmental services departments. Percy Weasley would run OR scheduling.

The Shifting Stairs would lead, reliably, to whatever unit you were floated to that morning. No more calling in at 0500 to see where you’d end up; all you’d have to do would be to ask a portrait on the wall which staircase to take.

Hermione would be in management, but she would actually get staffing up to decent levels. Dobby would be a patient care aide. Aside from his tendency toward self-punishment when a call light didn’t get answered fast enough, he’d be a great tech.

Snape would supervise the path lab. Sometimes he would come and draw blood. He would enjoy that a little too much. Fred and George Weasley would be in charge of Radiology. They’d have gotten the job on the assumption that they couldn’t play havoc with X-rays, but the doctors would be annoyed by how many Springes and Fluvolgoobers got into the machines.

Ginny would transcribe every H&P. All of them would be easy to follow and would make sense.

Professor McGonagall would take care of the residents’ training. Nobody would fail to answer a page ever again.

The Annual Feast would be heart-healthy and tasty at the same time. Fillet of a fenny snake would be part of the meat course.

The Whomping Willow would be enlisted to make sure that all the hospital linens were clean and wrinkle-free.

And butterbeer and firewhiskey would be free at the end of every shift.

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Agatha Lellis

Agatha Lellis is a nurse whose coffee is brought to her every morning by a chipmunk. Bluebirds help her to dress, and small woodland creatures sing her to sleep each night. She writes a monthly advice column, "Ask Aunt Agatha," here on Scrubs; you can send her questions to be answered at askauntieaggie@gmail.com.
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