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The all-new, totally honest nurse job application

Welcome to the all-new, totally honest nurse job application for Giganto Hospital Corp., Inc., LLP. We pride ourselves on “telling it like it is.” If you qualify to be on our elite staff of incredibly malleable nurses, please note that initial training, complete with obstacle course and people poking you with sharp sticks, will begin six weeks from tomorrow.

STEP 1: Your Vitals

Please tell us:

  • Your Name
  • Date of Birth
  • Your Email
  • Facebook username

STEP 2: Your Privates

Now tell us:

  • Your real Facebook username (you know, the secret one where you share private stuff with your friends. Please accept our friend request immediately.)
  • Your Twitter handle (we can’t wait to follow you!)
  • The URL of the “anonymous” tumblr blog you run

STEP 2: Your Experience

Please list relevant job experience, most recent first. If you think something will be relevant, you’re probably wrong (unless it involved herding cats, mucking out elephant habitats at the zoo or singlehandedly saving cruise ships from disaster at the hands of aliens), but list it anyhow.

STEP 3: Your Education

Please list relevant education, most recent first. Note that “relevant education” means “only things directly related to nursing.” You get no credit from us for having a master’s degree in finance or a bachelor’s in English, or being a Rhodes scholar.

STEP 4: Your Talents

Tell us what special talents you could bring to our organization. Examples include herding cats, mucking out elephant habitats, defeating alien invasions and making really strong coffee.

STEP 5: Your Work Flexibility

A. Are you willing to work nights? Check one:
Yes
Yes

B. How often would you be willing to work swing shifts (alternating days and nights)? Check one:
Always
Always

C. How often would you be willing to work mandatory overtime? Check one:
Always
Always

D. How often would you be willing to go without lunch? Check one:
Always
Always

E. How often do you expect to be able to urinate during a 12-hour shift? Check one:
Never
Never

F. Do you expect to see your family during the next year? Check one:
Not really
Not at all

STEP 6: Your Willingness to Bite Your Tongue

Please measure your tongue. Indicate, in centimeters, how long it is and how much of it you would be willing to bite off in order to keep quiet in the presence of doctors and administrators.

STEP 7: Your Multi-Tasking Capabilities 

How well do you function as a combined waitress, cleaning crew, secretary and general factotum?

STEP 8: Your Mental State 

Are you reasonably sane and well-adjusted? How long do you expect that state of affairs to continue?

STEP 9: Our Message. To You.

Thank you for your application to Giganto Hospital Corp., Inc., LLP.

Please be aware that we receive many applications and therefore cannot respond personally to every applicant. Those applicants who are fresh out of school yet have 10 years of relevant experience will be contacted first.

Inspired by Allie Brosh’s Better Pain Scale.

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10 Responses to The all-new, totally honest nurse job application

  1. lindaG

    Dear Jo
    I like your resume form however it is basically for nurses within a hospital setting. I am a nurse who has worked for about 9 years as a school nurse but without a BSN. Now that I am not able to work and I am at the age where most will not hire you I find myself stuck. I am moving soon but can anyone tell me without cutting into my social security how I can get a job as a school nurse? I have been a supervisor and did my 15 yrs in trauma then 16 yrs. as a part of the lower end of administration. I want to move to the south but I need a job desperately. How and is there others like myself?

    • kmcharette

      Lindag here is what I would suggest. Longtime school nurse here. If you don’t have a BSN, I would suggest starting a program if possible, but in the meantime, study for and take the national certification test. It costs about $200 but it will give you an edge in school nursing over others with less experience. Not all states require a BSN for schools…I’m currently working in CT and they do not, although some districts make it their policy. If you haven’t already, also join NASN and keep up with their job postings. If there’s a certain state you’re interested in moving to, check out their state school nurse organization for job postings and information on certification, etc. Good luck!

  2. Mommynator Student

    Yes. Exactly.

  3. Jesna Vibin

    Dear Jo,
    It was an excellent resume dat i never read in my nursing career.what I like to say u is u HV missed the 8 step in d resume.so pls post d 8 step in next resume..

  4. zealotrose

    I also just love how I walk into admissions that have been there for hours but not done, and all the patients are ready for 8p meds at the same time!

  5. eaglerr

    Laughter and tears. How do I post this on FB?

  6. NurseJules

    Question: would child care and/or office management fall under “relevant experience”?

  7. old flo

    Just spent16 straight days at the hospital with my husband, first post op which i have worked then icu which i have worked and then step down which i have worked.I helped the nurses whole time I was there,renewing my skills as it has been sometime, even the surgeon commented on me.Thing is if I went for a job today I probly could not get one because of age and too, I am not a bsn.

  8. breehat

    The last sentence of the last step (Step 9) is the most painful to accept and could never be taken lightly because it’s just a bitter truth.

  9. carolslee1949

    In the previous posts, I have seen comments in which the nurse is concerned about age. They are not allowed by law to deny you a job based on age. Unfortunately, no matter how much pertinent experience you have, they have ways of getting around the age issue, such as why you left your last position or why there was a 2 year gap in jobs, even if for a valid reason, like surgery. I broke my wrist 4 years ago. I’m 65 now and one prospective employer was “concerned” that a fracture I incurred after age 60 might indicate osteoporosis (I’d been tested) and another “work related” fracture could occur. I could have fought it, but decided I didn’t want to work for an employer who might question a work related injury.

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