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The craziest thing a patient has ever said…

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Nurses hear everything under the sun from patients—sweet sentiments, grouchy complaints and wacky thoughts that don’t always make a lot of sense!

We asked our Facebook fans for the craziest thing a patient has ever said and got a ton of responses; they’ll leave you baffled, laughing out loud and wanting more!

1. Two of my very confused patients were sitting quietly side by side when one turned to the other and said very clearly, “I feel like such an a#$hole just sitting here!”
—Lisa Blohm

2. I was taking care of an elderly man post-op who was confused. He asked me, “When can I get out of this truck?” I reminded him that he was in his hospital room, and he replied, “They backed the truck into a hospital room? Oh, we’re in trouble now!”
—Sharon Akeroyd Woolever

3. I had a 20-something-year-old male tell me that he was in the ER because he thought he had a vaginal infection.
—Abigail Millikan

4. A confused patient once said: “I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar!”
—Michelle Cotta Gostanian

5. My 86-year-old patient came to see me at the desk, saying, “I think I’ve got a problem.” I replied, “What’s wrong, my dear?” She said, “I think I’m pregnant.”
—Maj Banatao

6. From a 350-pound-plus white patient: “I’m a 120-pound black CIA operative working undercover in this bodysuit to bring this place down from the inside.”
—Eric Wojcik

7. Two old ladies were walking together around the dementia floor for hours. One of them complained that her legs hurt, but the other kept motivating her: “Keep going, we’re getting closer to the exit!”
—Bozena Myrda

8. On my first day as a new RN, I had an elderly man with terminal cancer. In an attempt to make him more comfortable, I offered to change the position of his bed. But I was so new that I didn’t even know how to do that, and said, “I’m sorry, Mr. X, but I don’t know how to use the bed.” He quickly replied, “Don’t tell me you don’t know how to use the bed…I see you’re wearing a wedding ring. You know how to use a bed just fine.” I’ll remember that guy forever!
—Carisa Vincent

‎9. An actual phone call to my ER today: “I think I swallowed my upper dentures. I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find them, so I must have swallowed them.”
—Tracey Adkins Walters

10. While I was giving a confused patient a bath, she asked me to please stop rubbing that catfish on her face!
—Samantha Relyea Coley

What’s the craziest thing a patient has ever said to you? Leave it in the comments section and we might publish it in a future article!

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19 Responses to The craziest thing a patient has ever said…

  1. Nurse Parham

    I was fine, but I got over it.

  2. nursedona1 RN

    I had two patients who actually were sisters sitting side by side in the hallway, one of the ladies turned and said to the other, “you look just like my sister” , the other lady just laughed and said,” well, i hope so silly, cause i am your sister!” I couldn’t help but laugh..

  3. hdficken

    I had the sweetest, tiny frail elderly lady with white hair come rolling up to the desk and asked me to call her mother. I asked her how old she was, and her voice crackled weakly, “I am 98 years old.” I then asked her how old was her mother? She got a puzzled look on her face, looked up at the ceiling, then looked back at me and stated, “I don’t know…but she ain’t young!” I’ll never forget that woman.

  4. H8ful rn

    I was admitting a pt to telemetry, who came up about 15 min. before end of shift. Hurrying through the paperwork and assessment I ask him, “do you have a pacer” in which the pt. replied, “no I drive a Ford.”

  5. akaplan254

    I worked private duty at a skilled living facility. There was a elderly gentleman that lived there and more often than not, you could find him sleeping somewhere..ie: bench out front, lobby, dining room. He loved to snooze. One evening, a group of residents were going on the transport bus to enjoy a dinner out. Joe, (not his real name) was taking a cat nap on the bench out front. A nurse called out to him, “Joe! Would you like to go out to dinner with us?” Joe peeking his eye open asked, “Where are you going?” The nurse replied, “The Olive Garden!” He considered this for a moment and returned to the nap. With his eyes closed he said, “No thanks! I don’t like olives!” I’ve never forgotten him!

  6. Machell Testerman RN

    Taking care of a confused elderly man one night, was trying to get him comfortable in bed and he handed me 2 pillows, I said “what do you want me to do with these?” he replied, “Give one to blue cross and one to blue shield”. I told him we could do it in the morning.

  7. danielle7sharp@yahoo.com LPN

    A patient at the allergy clinic I work for finally got himself a medical doctor, his comment “The best thing about women doctors is they have smaller fingers!”

  8. eggmom

    I work in a pediatric amb. surgery center. A mom was telling us how everyone in her family had problems. Her dad was a drug addict, her mom had mental problems, she herself had depression , her child who had just had surgery had ADHD and the siblings had problems too. She looked at us and said, ” Yep we’re all messed up in my family, you know it’s generic.” ( Instead of genetic. we had to leave the room to laugh)

  9. mamajo RN

    While working on an acute inpatient unit we needed help. A RN (and good friend) from the SICU came to help us. She went in to care for a patient who had recently transferred out from the SICU and reminded him who she was. His response was “… I didn’t recognize you…you must have shaved”. We still laugh over this.

  10. meridithc RN

    As I was leaving a patients room his roommate (who I thought was asleep) startled me by speaking up. He said “You got arms like a wrestler!”. Laughing I thanked him and left the room. Thinking about it today still makes me laugh.

  11. Nurse_mom

    When asked who was the current president my AOx3 patient replied, ” That Llama guy.”

    • L.R. Hall

      When I ask that question, a lot of the answers get is “that asshole” Even though I do or do not agree, I deem it an oriented answer, lol.

  12. Lizzip

    I one time had this older confused gentleman who one night was screaming uncontrollably from his room “Oh my God Help me” of coarse I hurry into his room, he’s laying safely in his bed in no acute distress. When I asked what it was that he needed he said “will you please help me out of this tar pit?” poor guy thought the was in a tar pit. Another time I accompanied the lab into a room because another guy had refused blood work when I asked him why it was that he was refusing he looked at me and stated plainly “you can’t take my blood, I spilled it all over Korea and have none left” then he proceeded to call me a “foreign invader” lol just the other night I was in with a 87 yr old women who asked me matter of factly asked me if I ran around all night when I inquired to what she meant she said “you know have sex with all these men all night”. I work the night shift on a general medical floor…never a dull moment…

  13. Lauralea RN

    Two confused elderly military veterans: #1: “Help! Help me!!” #2: (Mr X) – standing at the side of his bed – his foley pulled tight like a rubber band – frantically turning the O2 knobs on the wall between the beds – “I’ll save you buddy! I’ll save you!” #3: (me) “Mr X – where are you?”. #2 – (Mr X) “I’m in the armory! Where the hell are you?!!!”

  14. djrn28

    I used to work at Ask A Nurse. A young caller states, “My boyfriend’s sperm glows in the dark. What do you think caused that?” “Do you think he is an alien?” So many responses ran threw my head later.

    • Griff726

      I had a patient with a life long history of drug abuse. He had been clean 13 days. In the morning he asked for coffee with “sweet & low”. Upon returning to his room, he said, “oh no, not the pink stuff. That’s been shown to cause cancer in lab rats”. I started laughing, and having had a good report with him, I replied, “oh, by all means, use heroine, but don’t touch the pink sugar, that stuff will kill you”

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