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The five types of patients that drive me around the bend

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We’ve all had ‘em…patients who drive everyone in the hospital absolutely bonkers! Here are the five types of patients that make me crazy (and not in a good way!):

1. The Hyper-Caller
Seriously? I was just in your room, three minutes ago, and I asked you straight out if you needed anything else before I left. Pain medicine? Ice? Bathroom? A change in position? A chest of gold and an ermine cloak? You said no. Now you are calling again, asking me to turn down your thermostat by a whole two degrees.

You called 12 times between 6:45 and 7:15. I am about to tape your hands to your sides.

2. The Dr. Oz Groupie
Here’s a tip: just because you saw it on daytime TV doesn’t necessarily make it so. It’s no skin off my nose if you don’t want to take your medication; just tell me so and I’ll chart it. What I don’t need is a lecture on how Metoprolol messes with your energy flow or how you cured your diabetes with cleanses and oil-pulling.

3. The King of Comparisons
Things are different at different hospitals. Pharmacy formularies vary, as do room service menus. Some hospitals have one brand of shampoo caps, while other hospitals carry another brand. Guess what? Grousing at me about how much better Hospital X’s toothbrushes are will neither impress me nor make me run over to Hospital X and borrow a toothbrush for you. If you liked Hospital X so much, why are you here?

4. The Drama Queen/Drama King
I have not even touched you yet. Stop screaming.

No, really. Stop screaming.

5. The Clever Boy
That joke was funny the first five thousand times I heard it. I’ve also heard witty quips about my hair, uniform and freckles more times than I can count. No, I will not kiss it and make it better, massage your bladder (*urk*) or take advantage of all the room in that nice big bed you’ve got. I am, in fact, your last chance for having a nurse. Everybody else on the floor has fired you. Behave.

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3 Responses to The five types of patients that drive me around the bend

  1. Mommynator Student

    The little old lady who has smoked like a chimney most of her life, has COPD and comes to the ED for an asthma attack. You place the nebulizer mask on her and pour in the meds and she Can’t. Stop. Fiddling. with the mask, continually detaching the hoses. Can’t. Stop. even after you’ve adjusted it 20 times. All the while Never. Shutting. up.

  2. carolslee1949

    Perhaps the worst kind of patient………The Nurse! I’ve been on both sides of that bed and have to admit that I’m not a very good patient. I like to think I’m being cooperative by telling a concise history of my current and past medical conditions, surgeries, physicians, medications, allergies, and any other pertinent information. Unfortunately, I come across as a know-it-all, exactly the kind of patient I don’t like caring for!

  3. cinnybug LPN

    The Miserable Obsessive Control Freak…he does the exact opposite of everything you tell him to do because he is large and in charge! You just leave the room after being told by him that he does not want his meds yet and the call bell goes on. Now he states he wants his meds, one at a time, with sips of water in between each one because he has to go slow and he doesn’t like nurses who try to rush him. He argues with you that he MUST have the door to his room closed even though you have explained 100 times that he has a roommate and that he is a fall risk and you must keep an eye on him for his safety at which point he calls you a liar and states that you are an “Evil bit**!”. He doesn’t like what is on his meal tray and wants whatever the kitchen does not have. Oh, and you must bring him a glass to pour his milk into…don’t bring the milk already in the glass as he insists on having the carton first. He absolutely insists that you answer his call bell within 10 seconds and states that he does not care about the other 57 residents on the floor that you are caring for or that you are attending to an emergency and will be with him as soon as you are able. He wants assistance “NOW!” and you need to do your job!

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