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The funniest things your geriatric patients have ever said!

Thinkstock | iStock

Thinkstock | iStock

Geriatric patients do the darndest things!

It seems all nurses have a slew of stories from caring for older patients, and we asked our Funny Nurse Facebook fans to share some of their most memorable stories. We got tales from the hilarious to the extremely touching, and these are five of the best.

We know you’ve got some great stories, too – let us know in the comments below or on Facebook!

“I had a male patient who kept kicking his foot off the wheelchair and would yell ‘Nurse!’ and have me pick his leg and place it back. He did this about three times and I said, ‘Now, I think you are doing this on purpose.’ He smiled and said, ‘Hell yes I am; I get to see your boobs every time you bend over.'”
— Courtney Toti

“The 93-year-old who insisted she was pregnant with our 80-year-old surgeon’s baby. Quite a scandal.”
— Karen Grillo

“We had a new crop of doctors fresh out of med school who decided that we nurses just wanted to drug out our patients at night because we were too lazy to answer call bells. They were also refusing to allow us ‘specials.’ They declared that we could no longer write ‘patient confused’ or ‘patient appears to be confused’ in charts; we had to write down a description of what led us to believe the patient was confused. One of my charts read as follows:

‘Patient has been complaining loudly about the large number of fish floating through the air on ward. Has been throwing his IDC bag at same in an attempt to catch them, so far without result. Patient stated ‘This net has got a bloody hole in it or something.’ Patient has also been attempting to coerce his drip stand into an intimate relationship. He has been attempting to drag it into bed with him, addressing it as ‘Mabel’ and asking it, ‘Why are you so frigid, honey?’ This has had an adverse affect on drip rate as his fondling of the machine has at times changed the rate. Request special to help prevent this, and also the patient’s attempts to dive ‘off the boat’ by standing on bed rails.”
— Elaine Blackwell

“We had a man who was around 100 years old. Well over 6-foot tall. Slightly confused. I was putting him to bed and he pulled me on top of him. He squeezed me really tight. When he let go he said, ‘Was it good for you?'”
– Chris Plummer Huber

“On a more tender note: The Alzheimer’s patient who I had just told for the 10th time in about two hours that her daughter was coming in a while to take her shopping started to walk away but came back and gave me a hug and said, ‘I just want to thank you. You’re the only one who takes the time to tell me things.’ Those are the moments that make your day.”
– Lori Cruz

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13 Responses to The funniest things your geriatric patients have ever said!

  1. Kali Andrews

    A 90 year old female resident with dementia telling me how she wanted to put beer bottles under the tree outside to see how many men she could catch

  2. Janis Alexander Wood

    I was doing a RUDAS assessment with a client and asked the question “What would you do to cross the street if it was busy and there was no crossing?” Most say they’d put their hand up and walk across, but this cheeky lady added that if that didn’t work she’d flash them some leg!

  3. Soccer Nurse

    I had a 90ish resident say to me out of the blue, “We can go to dinner, we just can’t have sex!” I don’t remember either option being out there.

  4. Brandee Hollingsworth

    Was working with another nurse who was male and our resident yelled out “Joe, I want your pickle” he turned beet red the funniest part of the whole situation was a few days later we found a jar of dill pickles in the back of the fridge with her name on it

  5. NurseyBis23

    I was due to go off duty and were getting my coat to leave the ward. An elderly lady then came sprinting after me. My colleague asked her what she were doing to which she replied ‘I’m going to get my little girl. I don’t want her running off on her own’ So cute!

  6. Emilyp9589

    I had a confused patient. When I walked in her room, she said “You missed it! I just saw the best movie.” I asked what it was and she replied “it was called cialis!” Wonder what kind of movie she was watching. (There was a cialis commercial on the tv)

  7. OllieO

    97 year old gentleman wheeling up to my nursing station with a dead flower in his hand:
    Me : How are you tonight , sir?
    Him: if your are not doing anything important tonight, darlin, let’s bust this joint and get hitched ?
    Me: …..(dead silence, followed by giggling of other nursing staff)

  8. Zachsmom

    A dementia patient was yelling out one day. When we went to check on her she informed us she was having a baby. It was coming out of her knee! To top it off the only male nurse was supposedly the Daddy! It took her about 2 weeks to get that out of her mind.

  9. Tory Aronson

    “My specter hurts.” Turns out his specter was his lower abdomen. He could show me exactly where he just couldn’t find the right word to tell me where that was.

  10. Bdub

    While helping an elderly patient in ICU with her bed bath, she gave me the following directions: “You wash as high as possible, as low as possible, and I’ll wash possible”. Still makes me smile.

  11. Bdub

    While attempting to orient an elderly woman to the day and date, I informed her that it was Friday, September 5 and it was also the day she was married. To this she replied “Oh I’m sure I NEVER would have gotten married on a Friday! “

  12. barbarast59

    I was an Alzheimer’s nurse and it was inauguration day during Obama’s first election. I had a group of ladies watching the television and I overheard them talking about who was the new president. The idea of a black president was alien to these over 70 ladies with Alzheimer’s. The picture kept going to Obama and they were saying, ” No I don’t think that is right”. When the picture switched to Biden they decided that he was the president. That evening a favorite of mine was sitting up with me and I asked her what she thought about the new president. She turned to me and stated, “He’s Mexican”.

  13. carsect

    The elderly women who leered at her husband and said “not yet” when I asked if she was pregnant.

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