The kind of stuff you just can’t make up…

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Nurses are often seeing patients during their time of greatest need, so it still comes as a surprise every now and then just how lively patients can be.

But seriously—there should be a course in nursing school entirely dedicated to keeping a straight face when confronted with statements from patients that range from “a little bit wacky” to “downright sassy.” Good thing a strong poker face gets to be an on-demand part of the uniform…and sooner rather than later (if you’re lucky).

Curious as always, we asked you to share some of your most outlandish “Did you just hear that?” moments from the hospital on our Funny Nurses Facebook page. Here’s the Top 10 list of what your fellow nurses had to say about what their patients had to say:

1. “I was doing pre-op registration on a 60-something male who was having a hernia repair. When I asked if he had any questions, he said, ‘Do I need to shave Big Jim and the twins?’ I managed to tell him ‘no’ with a straight face, but it took all the restraint I had. Once he was out of earshot, I burst out laughing.” —Linda Beach Pearson 

2. “Admitting an elderly man for a heart cath. He was wearing O2 and very nervous and alone. To break the ice and lighten the mood while doing his H&P, I asked, ‘Are you pregnant?’ Without missing a beat, he replied, ‘No, but I have been exposed!’ I almost fell off my stool laughing!!!” —Lea Ann Talkington 

3. “Had a family of a patient tell me their daughter was conceived at Six Flags. In the women’s bathroom. I laughed until I cried that night, and haven’t looked at the Texas Giant the same [since].” —Stephanie White

4. “Me: Are you having any pain? Patient: Yes, as a matter of fact I am. You’re a pain in my ass.” —Amber Cech 

5. “I walked in one morning into pts room to take her blood sugar…she knew. It was routine. ‘I guess you’re here to check my sugar.’ ‘Yes, ma’am.’ ‘Well, then let me give you the finger!'” —Jerry Rodriguez 

6. “Gave a suppository, and in response, I got, ‘Whoaaa, shouldn’t we talk first?’ And yes—I had already explained it.” —Amy Roberston 

7. “Me singing along with the radio at work, [and] my resident asks, ‘What did you do with that money?’ I asked, ‘What money?’ And my resident says, ‘The money your mother gave you for singing lessons.'” —Katie Lamb 

8. “I was giving a resident a whirlpool. After washing her upper part I asked her if she wanted to do her own peri area. She said, ‘Yes, I can wash my own downtown area.’ So, I put a lot of soap on a washcloth and she said, ‘WHOA—downtown ain’t that big!'” Phyllis Alberts 

9. “I once heard an elderly patient say, ‘Go get your father right now’ to her young nurse.” —Karen Cripe

10. “My DON asked a 99-year-old woman what brought her to the nursing home. She piped up! ‘I’m knocked up; they are trying to hide the family secret.'” —Terri Sue Armstrong 

Have a patient’s words ever made your cheeks (or ears!) burn? Share your story with us in the comments section below!

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6 Responses to The kind of stuff you just can’t make up…

  1. babyrn85

    A FP and I were doing a forensic exam on a sweet 5 year old. Towards the end the Dr asked her”has anyone ever touched you on your private parts?”. The child said “Yes.” Dr. “Can you tell me who?”. Sweet child ” You did”. After the initial intake of breath, you can imagine our surprised grin of relief.

  2. Samantha Stone

    A lady came to the desk and asked for directions to her appointment. I asked her where she needed to get to. She asked if I could direct her to the “Breast & Immigration department?” With all my might to keep a straight face, I offered her directions to the Breast & Imaging department.

  3. whileuwait

    Early in my nursing career, I was caring for a patient well into his 70’s. He was a double above the knee amputee with demenia. I had just finished his bed bath and he said to me, “Ma’am, I’ve had a rough spell but I have a large farm that I work and once I get back up on my feet, I could support you well. Would you marry me?” This gentleman had a wife and at least 9 children but I looked at him and said, “Well that’s a real nice offer and I’m really honored, but I’m already married.” He looked at me and responded, “Oh.” After a few moments, he turned his head back towards me and said, “Well, do you think he’ll die soon?” Twenty years later, I still crack up every time I think of it.

  4. Mz_kim

    I have this resident that used to be a cna and she thinks she’s at work so a 7 am in the am she walks around with gloves on and when asked is she at work she says yes I work part time here.

  5. williaph

    Finishing a H&P for a young girl with abdominal pain, I asked the usual,”Are you sexually active?” Her response…”No, I just kinda lay there.” The MD and the female witness/nurse bolted from the room; hysterical laughing from the hallway.

  6. Sparkles99

    A while back, a coworker to get vitals walked into a patients room and saw she was on the phone. My coworker asked “Are you busy? I can come back.” Patient states “My name isn’t busy it’s ______.”