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The strangest thing my patient has ever done…

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Patients may make the nursing world go round, but sometimes their behavior is a little weird! Whether they’re trying to fool you or just misunderstood your instructions, they can do some odd (and hilarious) things from time to time. We asked our Facebook fans to share the strangest thing they’ve ever seen a patient do or say, and got some crazy answers in response! Read on for some hilarious patient antics!

1. BAD HOSPITAL FOOD

A gentleman smashed the suction bottle (yes folks, they used to be made of glass), then proceeded to eat the pieces. Upon further inspection via gastroscopy, the findings included a fork heading tines first into the duodenum. He went to surgery.
—Lori Beiter Halker

2. THIS END GOES UP

A patient drank 500 ml from a prepared and lubricated enema bag hanging in his bathroom. When he was found sucking on the tubing, he just stated that he saw it there and figured he should drink it. Wrong way in, my friend….
—Haley Lewis Dahl

3. BIG RIVER

I had a patient use his Foley as a lasso once…and another patient was “rowing” his bed via the IV pole!
—Szilvia Acs

4. AMMO WHAM-O

While I was working in a nursing home, we had a little feisty little old lady in her 90s. Upon entering her room you had to be careful, ’cause she would have her ammunition (poop) rolled into little balls and would sling them at you as you entered. Most of us knew this, so we were careful upon entering, but every once in a while, she would get a new employee who hadn’t been forewarned. LOL!
—Cindy Malin

5. ORDER UP

I will never forget a patient who came in post-vasectomy (I work for an urologist). I was ready to put him in a room when I asked for a urine sample first. I don’t know what he understood, but he came out of the bathroom with a semen sample!!! No wonder he took a while in the bathroom. Poor guy, his face was red from embarrassment. Like I always say, patients don’t LISTEN!
—Mireya Escobedo Gaeta

Six more hilarious stories…

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22 Responses to The strangest thing my patient has ever done…

  1. lynwilsonrn

    I was performing a stroke assessment on a 93-yr old feisty lady. I asked her to smile. She said she didn’t feel like smiling. So I asked her, “Would you please show me your teeth?” “Sure!” she said She then opened her mouth, and handed me her dentures.

  2. terri1033

    This small older gentleman I take care of wants tape put over his ears after the hearing aids are put in. He says thats so they don’t fall out!

  3. Lizzip

    I had an older confused man one time who during a code while we were tied up in the room came out into the hallway looked into the room we were working in then proceeded to pee on the floor in the hall and then went and climbed into bed with another patient.

  4. rnpj2000 RN

    Patient was sent to us because she chewed her finger off.

  5. mrsk1026 LPN

    When I was a student, I took care of an older man in a small hospital that refused to use the toilet. I would come in and there would be urine on the carpet in front of the BSC and urine in the trash can. I never could figure it out until I was getting him ready for a shower. He told me he needed to use the bathroom, but didn’t want to sit on the toilet. When I asked him why, he told me “That water is cold and my balls fall in the water!” I about died from shock when I discovered he wasn’t lying! He had HUGE testicles!

    • Stephysteph CNA

      I had a similar case with a patient who yelped everytime he sat on the toilet. I would ask him everytime if he was having pain in his legs or back when he sat, thinking that perhaps the height of the toilet or some joint pain could be the reason. He always answered no and changed the subject.
      I finally pressed the issue, why do you yelp everytime?
      The water is cold…
      *facepalm*

  6. Nurse Andrew

    I hope I never get to the point where a patient throwing shit at me is funny (or acceptable!) Sorry. Don’t mean to be the party pooper! ; )

    • a.woodycna

      I think unless you find the humor in situations like that you wont make it very long as a nurse!

  7. Nurse Andrew

    While caring for one of my “pleasantly” whack-a-doo patient’s…. she was sitting out in the hall in a chair (to keep a close eye). As I passed her she held out her glasses case to me and said in the sweetest way, “excuse me, could you please dial a number for me?” I thought I was going to pee in my pants I was laughing so hard!

  8. ReneeA

    While in clinicals one day, I was assisting a patient to a bedside commode and her family decided to stay in the room. When I stepped out to give her some privacy, I came back to help clean her up only to find her preacher, husband and daughter huddled around her (on the commode with diarrhea) praying. I almost lost my poker face for that one.

  9. Stephysteph CNA

    We had a patient (“Judy”) with dementia who was impishly mischievous and would get into all sorts of trouble. Another patient (“Frank”) with us at the same time, had a habit of shouting “oh” over and over, and nothing that we tried helped him to stop.
    One afternoon, we were charting at the desk, and we suddenly realized that Frank was strangely quiet, so we went to see if he had fallen asleep. We entered the room to find Judy standing over his recliner chair holding a box of tissues in one hand while gleefully stuffing them one by one into Frank’s open mouth…
    Also had a patient use black permanent marker for lipstick…

  10. tschuchman@email.com

    Little lady in the nursing home sitting in the dining room . The activity was music that day. Besides the music everyone was very very quiet. A Hank Williams song came on WHY DO YOU DRINK_WHY DO YOU SMOKE….. she only knew that line of the whole song so when it came to the chorus that is only thing she sang and she was all but yelling those two lines with a look on her face that she was singing with all her might. The funny thing is others started to sing the one and only same line over with her. After those 2 lines it was as quiet as could be. She would close her eyes until that part of the song came on and then all of a sudden blurt the music out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love working with the elderly.

  11. AmandaC

    When i was a student I worked in a geriatric mental health unit, mainly dementia and Alzheimers patients and I had one old man who was convinced that another patient was his wife. The female patient did not like that he would follow her around so one day she punched him in the face, he fell and hit his head and ended up getting 6 stitched on his head. All he could say about it was `What did I do to make my wife so mad`

  12. deej

    my little old man was set up for breakfast. he had some dementia.he was salavating over his muffin. i brought his dentures and he put the lowers in no prob..then he cut the top off the muffin and placed his top dentures on top of the muffin with teeth facing him and raised the muffin to take a bite. i laughed so hard in the hall. i have quite a few…like frank the baker who woke up three am every night. he asked for some pussy. i said ok hold on and got him a coffee and some cookies aka pussy!!! theyre really cute.

  13. jleighjude

    To many patients have tried to smoke there pulse oximeter

  14. lyfsavr13

    I started my nursing career working in LTC with dementia pts. One night we got a transfer from another facility, and when trying to admin her pm meds everything I tried to give her she refused and stated, ” i dont take that”. after a little investigation she informed me that the only meds she takes are her Ca and her Birth Control ( she was in her “80”s). So no matter what I was giving her it all eventually became either Ca or birth control…but the time she wheeled herself down the hall with zinc barrier cream aka “butt cream” pasted on her face like a clown and said, “Look at my new lipstick!” I had to just walk away cause I was litteraly crying holding back the laughter!!!!

  15. LizaCatt

    I walked into my patient’s room and found her bed empty. Instant panic as she was old and confused. I found her under the other bed. When asked what she was doing she said she was just trying to crawl under this tractor! We had to pick up the bed to get her out from under it.

  16. Razzles72 APN

    I was a student nurse working during a summer break, and was walking past an elderly ladies room. She was partial to licorice all sorts, and was eating her way through a packet.
    She started choking, so I rushed in to help. I put my finger in her mouth and grabbed out the licorice, saving her from and unfortunate fate. She gasped a breath and screamed ” Give it back!”. She then waved her hand at me to leave the room. It was right from an early beginning I learnt that nursing was going to be a thankless job!

  17. April Brown

    I had a patient follw me around in his wheelchair on 3rd shift staring at my feet. He finally bent down grabbed my shoe and said he wanted the turtles by my feet and was gonna make turtle soup

  18. StreetRN

    A very intoxicated female in her mid 30s presented to the ED following a MVC. Our protocol required a urine specimen and she was on a backboard, unable to be moved. I told her we needed to insert a catheter to obtain a urine specimen to check for blood. I prepped the patient and as I began to insert the catheter, she began rocking her hips and hunching the catheter. I guess in her drunken state she thought she was having sexual intercourse. Who knows?

  19. Nurse Jay

    Have a female resident who on many occasions forgets to use the call bell & calls 911 because she has to use the washroom. Needless to say the police don’t think it’s funny lol

  20. tammykaye79

    I had a morbidly obese woman admitted to telemetry with c/o chest pain…While assessing her and hooking her up to tele, I noticed she had a nasty nasty wound under her left breast, so I notified her cardiologist…His exam revealed a AAA battery imbedded in her skin, when told, her reply was, ” I wondered what happened to my TV remote control battery”, the Dr.and I stared at each other in complete awe…

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