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The top 10 funniest explanations your patients have given you

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Sometimes patients just do some wonderfully weird stuff. From the crazy things they try when they’re alone to the odd things they tell you, our patients have been known to make us laugh on more than one occasion! We got to wondering about the explanations they give you for why they’re hospitalized in the first place and what, exactly, they’re doing right now—so we asked our Facebook fans for the funniest excuses and explanations their patients have tried to give them. Which of these have your patients used on you before?

The top 10 funniest explanations your patients have given you

1. An elderly woman came in because she had “fireballs of the universe.” She was very insistent! It took us a few to realize she had fibroids of the uterus!
—Kathy Berg

2. Working a 28-day MICA program, we had to check in all belongings, since it’s an addiction unit. Imagine our surprise when we found a bunch of Viagra that a female patient had on check-in! When asked, she responded, “I’ll be damned if my ol’ man is going to be out cheating while I’m in here!” LOL! Sounded quite logical to us. 😉
—Tonya Snodgrass Hendershot

3. I had a patient refuse to use her O2 for fear of “getting addicted.” I told her, “Hon, that happened the second you were born; hold your breath and see how long you can go without it. Now put it on please?” She did!
—Roxy Dengler-Hauck

4. In the ER, a patient came in with a carrot inside his rectum. When asked to explain, he said, “I fell over in the garden.”
—Jodie Priestley

5. Cardiologist to patient: “You need to quit smoking.”
Patient to cardiologist: “I will quit smoking 10 minutes after I am cremated.”
Too funny. I don’t think the doc liked it too much…
—Jodi Cacioppo Stoafer

6. I got a call from our local 911 dispatch stating that they had my patient on the phone, requesting a ride home. When I went back to her room and asked her why she would call them, she said it was because that’s how she got to the hospital, and figured that’s how she’d get home, too. I was thinking to myself, “Reeeeeeaaaaaally?”
—Christina Hope Combs

7. A patient who tested positive for cocaine said she was cleaning her bathroom and the cocaine must have been in the Comet…oh lordy.
—Morgan Jarrard

8. I had a young male TBI patient saying that his sprinkler was sprinkling. I lifted up his sheet and noticed he was urinating…yep, his sprinkler was sprinkling all right.
—Cherie Francis

9. In the NICU we had lots of transports from a smaller town in a neighboring state. I asked a young mother one time why we had so many babies from there. She said, “Well, we don’t have cable.”
—Gayle Sherman

10. “Jesus told me to keep pressing the call button.”
—Danielle Louque Arceneaux

What’s the funniest explanation or excuse a patient has ever tried to give you?

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9 Responses to The top 10 funniest explanations your patients have given you

  1. leahl

    I have a patient who is a very high fall risk and has fallen as many times as five in one shift. One time I asked her how she got on the floor and she told me God put her there. Or she will tell me that she didn’t fall, she decided to sit on the floor and then lay down.

  2. msjudie

    I had a very nauseous patient who insisted the iV pump was saying over and over again; throw up, throw up!

  3. Cara Thurman

    One of the other nurses on the floor was admitting an Alzheimer’s patient from the ER. When she tried to put him in a hospital gown, he politely declined because he “wasn’t in to that sort of thing.” He thought he was at a brothel. He kept thanking the nurses for their “service” and that he appreciates what we “do,” but he didn’t think his wife would understand. Eventually, security came up because he was trying to leave, and he turned to one of them and looked back at one of the nurses (who is super sweet) and said, “doesn’t she look like she’s always ready to go?”

  4. Annie Kelly

    I had a female patient that tested positive for cocaine. I was stunned since she was in her early sixties. Now mind you her tox screen was from her urine. When I spoke to her about the test coming back positive and how often she used she replied “thats not true. I havent used in a couple weeks” I explained that it was true. She came back with “well you know if it came back in my pee its because my husband likes to put it down there.” I had to leave the room.

  5. Robyn Travis

    I had patient who was very sick and receiving IV antibiotics for a severe case of Prostatitis . His son, who was around 8 years old, was listening closely to the conversation between his Mom and the Doc. Afterwards, I overheard him talking on the phone with his Grandmother, wherein he explained the her that his Dad “had a bad prostitute and got a ‘fection from it”….
    I thought was going to die laughing!

  6. lwatson45

    Speaking of fibroids in the uterus, I heard a patient say she had fireballs in the eukarest. lol

  7. I See Hear and Know

    My ex- came home from work one night, hysterical–an older-aged co-worker was lamenting on the upcoming day of a surgical procedure, and was telling people, “I have really BAD Gong-Oh-Reeuh, it’s gotten so bad I can hardly see! The Dr. says I’ll be lucky to get my eyesight back since I put off getting my Gong-Oh-Reeuh treated all these years.” TRANSLATION: The woman had GLAUCOMA…..bless her heart!!!
    (And YES…he took her aside and explained to her what the difference between the two diagnoses meant…bless her heart!!!)

  8. wcgood

    NG patient who I questioned about being NPO compliant after her NG output on her second day more than doubled from her first day output: No, I haven’t been eating or drinking anything… wait, I can’t have nothing to eat or drink?!… Well, I dipped my finger in that cheese dip but I didn’t like it.”

    I had a nurse assistant tell me that she was called into a room upon her more than capable Med/Surg patient’s request to “trim” her hair. Assuming the hair in question was leg hair her thought process was, “trim? Heck, let’s just shave it.” She returned with razor in hand to learn she was wanting her vagina hair trimmed. The assistant declined and stated, “I’m sorry, I can’t do that because I’m not a licensed beautician.” Luckily the patient was understanding

    I was assigned to sit one-on-one with a SEVERELY advanced dementia patient in ICU. She kept reaching for her bedside table. When I would ask her what she was after she’d say numbers like “a one,” “my two,” etc… She did this once every half hour or so from 1 up to 10 skipping number 6. Then she did it with random things for a while, like “the clock,” or “my sleeve,” Then she did the unthinkable. She looks me dead in the eye and says, “where’s my 6?”

  9. kelsalyn19

    I’m currently working as an STNA while in nursing school, and at my nursing home I have a patient who I was putting to bed one night and I was trying to brush her teeth, and she wouldn’t open her mouth. I opened my mouth really big to try and *show* her what I wanted her to do, asked her over and over, “Can you please open your mouth for me? I have to brush your teeth” She wouldn’t do it. I finally asked her “Why won’t you open your mouth?” and she says… “Because. The Lord won’t allow me.”

    About 15 minutes later, I told that same patient “It’s time for you to get in bed,” and she says, “No, but I’m gonna put YOU in bed. And cover you up like a dead person.”