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The unofficial guide to juice cleansing—for nurses

Shutterstock | Maridav
Shutterstock | Maridav

You might be all about that juicing thing and, if so, we applaud your commitment to the whole “my body is a (super hungry) temple” cause. And your all-around physical stamina. And your ability to resist a well-cooked lasagna after a long shift.

That said, we’re pretty sure that a lot of you nurses out there are just trying to survive, and consuming any meal that isn’t microwavable can be a very real, personal triumph. As for juice cleanses? Out of the question. Partly because you don’t own a juicer (or a cutting board…or dish soap) and partly because three patients could theoretically code in the time it takes you to park at your local Whole Foods.

Anyway, fascinated by the concept of a juice cleanse (okay, so we’re binging on Pinterest), we thought it might be fun to imagine what a nurse-friendly liquid detox might actually look like.

Needless to say, things got weird. 

First, let’s take a look at a conventional juice cleanse:

Breakfast

  • 2 apples
  • 1 cucumber
  • 1 cup blueberries
  • 2 cups grapes
  • 2 kale leaves
  • 1 inch ginger root

Blended.

Lunch

  • 1 Granny Smith apple
  • 1 cucumber
  • 4 stalks celery
  • 4 to 6 kale leaves
  • ¼ lemon, peeled
  • 1 inch ginger root

Blended.

Dinner

  • 1 beet, sliced
  • 1 cucumber
  • 1 carrot
  • 1 Granny Smith apple
  • 4 kale leaves
  • ¼ lemon, peeled
  • ¼ lime, peeled

Blended.

Okay, so there’s that.

Now, onward to the “Nurse Cleanse”:

Breakfast

  • 1 Red Bull
  • 2 shots of espresso
  • 1 muffin (blueberry, for the antioxidants…obviously)
  • ½ Xanax, crushed

Blended.

Lunch

  • 1 mini lime Gatorade (it’s important to remain hydrated, even on a liquid diet)
  • 1 apple
  • 4 items, selected at will from the vending machine (we suggest a strawberry Pop-Tart for added thickness, and possibly Tic-Tacs, because it will likely be another seven hours before you can brush your teeth)

Blended.

Dinner

  • 2 fistfuls leafy greens
  • ½ cup chicken
  • 2 cups veggies (your choice)
  • 2 tablespoons dressing (your choice)
  • 5 cherries (they aid in digestion, obviously)

Yes, we just described a salad…blended. The goal here is really just to drink your dinner while you shower so you can go to sleep roughly 10 minutes ahead of schedule. Genius, right?

Repeat the Nurse Cleanse for three days. Or until your family and friends threaten to commit you.

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