How to make a lunch your coworkers will envy

Shutterstock | Katarzyna ZdanowskaShutterstock | Katarzyna Zdanowska

Let’s face it, people: Lunch—if you can get it—is one of the few bright spots of the day. Sometimes it’s necessary to your mental health to have a good meal in a relaxing atmosphere. Here are a few (humorous and not-so-serious) ideas to get you started:

  • Lightly broil some artichoke bottoms (you can get them in cans) and fill them with chicken salad. Eat this with a fruit cup containing pineapple, kiwi and fresh strawberries. Finish with a piece of good aged cheese and a couple of squares of dark chocolate.
  • On a chilly day, bring a bowl of thick homemade potato soup. Put a spinach salad on the side, garnished with thin slices of red onion and toasted walnuts. Dessert should be a chocolate brownie, warmed for a few seconds in the microwave, garnished with 25 milligrams of Ativan.
  • Spaghetti reheats well. Make yours with chunks of good Italian sausage, fresh tomatoes, a grating of Parmesan cheese and some roasted peppers. Reheat to a comfortable temperature and apply to your face and neck. Allow this to sit for 10 minutes, then remove by massaging gently with a soft cloth.
  • A simple sandwich can make even the quickest lunch worthwhile. Use good multigrain bread and consider making your own aioli with garlic minced into high-quality mayonnaise. Raw vegetables cut into delicate strips not only add crunch, but can be thrown with remarkable accuracy at anybody who dares interrupt your lunch. A few marinated olives, when combined with a rubber band and a pen, make excellent projectiles as well.
  • Don’t underestimate the power of caffeine. A few cups of espresso, consumed at a rate that optimizes your serum caffeine levels, go well with 10 or 12 packages of Ding-Dongs or Twinkies. You might not remember much of your afternoon, but you’ll be moving at the speed of light.
  • Ice cream isn’t just for dessert anymore. Bring a gallon of your favorite in an insulated bag. It should have softened to the perfect consistency by lunchtime. You can then insert your entire face into the carton. Finish by licking off as much ice cream as you can from your own face, and by flinging the half-melted remains at random coworkers.

Enjoy your lunch break! Inimitable lunches will make it easier for you to actually get a few minutes to sit down, and might even result in a long-term vacation from work!

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