Nursing comebacks I wish I could say


Them (about something not too out of the way, or even very serious): “My doctor said that this was the worst case of Whatever he’d ever seen.”

Me: “That’s terrible. You know, your doctor lost a patient last week to a mild case of Whatever.”

Them: “Mrs. Name-Drop, a prominent donor to your hospital, is a dear, dear friend of mine.”

Me (without inflection): “How nice for you.”

Them (while playing Candy Crush and eating Cheetos): “My pain is a 12 out of 10.”

Me (sympathetically): “That’s too bad. I can’t do anything for 12 out of 10 pain; my medicines only work up to 10 out of 10.”

Them: “You nurses just enjoy hurting people.”

Me: “And what makes it even better is that we get paid for it!”

Them: “You’re not doing that [simple, common procedure] right! That’s not right!”

Me (doing procedure correctly): “I had no idea you’re a nurse, too! Where did you graduate from?”

Them (a morbidly obese, multiple-amputee patient with an A1C of 12): “Whatever it is you’re doing right now is wrong and bad, and I’m going to report you to the authorities and my lawyer.”

Me (at the end of my rope): “So when, exactly, did you start to care so much about your health?”

Agatha Lellis
Agatha Lellis is a nurse whose coffee is brought to her every morning by a chipmunk. Bluebirds help her to dress, and small woodland creatures sing her to sleep each night. She writes a monthly advice column, "Ask Aunt Agatha," here on Scrubs; you can send her questions to be answered at

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