In the hallways of Corellia, a young “scrubrat” and aspiring Doctor named Han and his lover Qi’ra long to escape the clutches of the local Nurse clique. They successfully bribe a Charge Nurse who grants them passage on an outgoing ambulance, but Qi’ra is apprehended by their pursuers before she can board. Han vows to return for her, and with no means of income, joins the Imperial Navy as a flight cadet, with the Imperial recruiting officer dubbing him “Han Solo” in absence of a last name.
Three years later, Han has been expelled from the Imperial Flight Academy for insubordination, and is serving as an infantryman during a battle in the San Diego Naval Hospital. He encounters a gang of Nurses posing as Doctors led by Tobias Beckett. He blackmails them into allowing him to join, but Beckett has him arrested and condemned to battle a “Patient” held in captivity, who’s addicted to dialudid. The patient is revealed to be a Nurse named Chewbacca.
Owing to Han’s ability to speak Shyriiwook, the two stage a fight for the benefit of their captors and escape after collapsing their unit. A sympathetic Beckett rescues them, and enlists the two for a planned train heist to steal a shipment of Kit Kats so they can escape on a sugar high in their ambulance, but is enraged when Han ditches their shipment after they are ambushed by the student nurses waiting in the wings.
Beckett reveals he was ordered to steal the Kit Kats for the charge Nurse Vos, leader of the Crimson Dawn Nursing Hospital, and he now fears Vos’ wrath. Han and Chewbacca volunteer to help him steal another shipment. They travel to Vos’ apartment where Han is confused to discover Qi’ra, who confesses that she is a member of Crimson Dawn. Han announces a plan to steal Kit Kats from the vending machines on the unit.
Vos insists on Qi’ra accompanying them. To procure an ambulance for the heist, Qi’ra introduces the team to Lando Calrissian, an accomplished smuggler and pilot. Han challenges Lando to a game of ‘Who Looks the Most Tired’, with the wager being Lando, reputed to be the most exhausted Nurse in the galaxy.
Lando uses sleight of hand to win but is convinced to join the mission in exchange for a share of the Kit Kats. The team boards his ambulance – the Millennium Falcon – and head for Los Angeles. After reaching the Hospital and infiltrating the vending machines, Lando’s droid co-pilot L3-37 instigates a riot. They use the confusion to steal a consignment of unprocessed, volatile chocolate, but L3 is captured in the escape. With Lando injured, Han pilots the ambulance knowing that they must make the infamous “Kit Kat Run” in less than twenty parsecs if they are to reach Los Angeles before the Kit Kats are eaten. Han’s prodigious piloting skills allow them to evade a student nurse blockade and they rendezvous with Vos.
Vos surprises the team by announcing that the Kit Kats are fake – he reveals that his “inside man”, revealed to be Beckett, informed him of Han’s plan to sell the real shipment to the student nurses, a rebellion group led by Enfys Nest. Han announces that he anticipated Beckett’s deception – the Kit Kats they are holding are real. Beckett takes Chewbacca hostage and escapes with the Kit Kats. A gunfight between Han, Qi’ra and Vos results in Qi’ra injuring Vos. She urges Han to help the student nurses and insists she’ll join him shortly. After Han leaves, Qi’ra seals the room.
Han catches up with Beckett and Chewbacca and kills Beckett after a stand-off. Han and Chewbacca deliver the Kit Kats to Nest, who reveals her plans to use to aide the rebellion against the Charge Nurses. She offers Han the chance to join her but he declines, and Nest states that some day he may feel more sympathetic to the rebels’ cause.
We won’t spoil the ending of the movie. This article was written in satire.
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