The all-new, totally accurate lunch menu selection card


Chicken-flavored hockey puck
Beef-flavored mound
Fish-flavored substance

Please select your choice of gravy or marinade:
Cream-ish gravy
Brown-ish gravy
Extremely pretentious citrus glaze that contains no actual citrus and, in fact, comes out of a big bag shipped to us by the food supplier

Please select your choice of cooking methods:
Roasted to a crisp
Grilled to a crisp
Fried to a crisp
Nuclear option (not allowed on soft-mechanical, soft or Not Your Own Teeth diets)



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Agatha Lellis
Agatha Lellis is a nurse whose coffee is brought to her every morning by a chipmunk. Bluebirds help her to dress, and small woodland creatures sing her to sleep each night. She writes a monthly advice column, "Ask Aunt Agatha," here on Scrubs; you can send her questions to be answered at

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