Nurses aren’t just on the front lines of healthcare, they’re also on the front lines of delivering some occasionally hilarious one-liners. We love your comments and stories so much, we couldn’t help rounding them up and sharing them!
Here are our top picks for the funniest reader quotes of 2012 that’ll leave you chuckling out loud!
Thanks for all the laughter, dear readers!
I once managed to get into a truly weird conversation with a male ob-gyn who stated that “Women should not have female doctors. A woman should NOT be looking at another woman’s private parts.” I swear. So, I asked him this: “Given that vein of logic, it’s reasonable that only FEMALES should be urologists who take care of MEN.” Never did get an answer for that one.
—Nurse Rene on “I don’t want a male nurse taking care of me”
I love the people who are “allergic” to everything. I once had a patient who claimed an allergy to plasma.
—Cyrren on “The woman who brought her own furniture and other unforgettable patients”
I once got ten freshly dead and skinned squirrels from a resident’s nephew!
—DCRandRN on “The funniest gift I ever received at work”
Hip huggers with short scrub tops or T-shirts should be banned. I think the phrase is: “Say no to crack!”
—RCRN on “Top 6 ridiculous nursing uniform policies”
A burn patient is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him, she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks, “Are my testicles black?”
“I’m sorry, but I’m not medical staff, I can’t help you with that,” she replies.
“Oh, please have a look for me, I’m really worried. Are my testicles black?”
Taking pity on his obvious distress, the girl glances around the ward and sees there are no medical staff nearby. She pulls back the bed cover, lifts his penis out of the way and, cupping his testes in her hand, tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, “They look fine.”
The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says, “Thank you very much, but I just wanted to know: Are my test results back?”
—rnpj2000 on “4 â€˜sailor’ jokes for nurses (you were warned!)”
I started to write this once: “Patient has not vomited since the last time he vomited.”
—rnnaya on “More goofy hospital chart bloopers”
This happened on my first clinical, first patient interaction ever, about seven years ago. It was the day our instructor would assess us to make sure we had proper bath technique down. We were told to go get two face cloths, two towels, the incontinence product for our patient, any creams and then to proceed to get our resident up and start the baths in the bathrooms; our instructor would be along shortly.
I went to my patient’s room, who had a motion sensor on at night as she was slightly confused and a fall risk; therefore, you would assume she would be fine until her bath. Nope! She had gotten up in the night and gone to the bathroom by herself…almost. There was stool everywhere…and I mean everywhere! It was on her walker, on the bed rails, on the commode and toilet, on her PJs, in her hair, in the linens…EVERYWHERE!
I just stood in the doorway with my mouth open, not sure what to do. My instructor came along, wondering why I hadn’t started yet…she looked in and couldn’t stifle her laughter. She proceeded to get the linens cart, and we got the patient up and did our best to clean her up. Thank goodness it was her full tub bath day, including a haircut.
Needless to say, I was not penalized for the unorthodox bathing situation, and I’ve never had a hard time dealing with a big honkin’ code brown since. Welcome to nursing, trial by fire…or something like that!
—blurst84 on “Funny stories from the front lines: My code brown moments”
My friend at work says…some days all your patients think “RN” stands for Refreshments and Narcotics!!
—Brittani Lila Wilmore on Funny Nurses
I did have an elderly man ask me to pick a booger for him once. Seriously. I told him that it was against my personal policy and left the room.
—Marguerite Lee Lamb on “You know you’re a nurse when…”
I had a patient say, “I need a pill! I have the diar-rear!” I said, “Okay, what’s that?” She said, “You know! It is explosions from your REAR!! That’s why it’s called diar-rear!!!”
—Lauren Marie Metro on “Top 10 things patients have said to me”
After running back and forth for supplies spouted off by the surgeon as I tried to help him with a procedure, he said, “This is taking too long.” Sorry Doc…I only run when someone’s coding or I’m being chased by someone with a knife!
—Marnett Wilson on “5 comebacks I wish I had said out loud (and one I actually did!)”
I’m a nurse and have heard people say, “More boys than girls are born because the male sperm are smart enough to through the egg faster than the girl sperm.” SMH!
—Amy Dills on “Old wives’ tales that baffle nurses!”
I once was taking a med history on a patient going for surgery. I asked him if he had ever had any problems in the past waking up from anesthesia. He replied, “No, but I have a problem staying awake. My doctor diagnosed me with necrophilia.” I fought back a laugh and asked, “Do you mean narcolepsy?” ….too funny!
—Shelby Diotte on “Overheard from the nurse’s station V”