The hilarious hospital encyclopedia from A to Z
Just what is nursing really like, you ask? Consulting this encyclopedia of hospital terms from Nurse Agatha is your task!
A is for agency: nurses we need; and when we can get them, we’re thankful indeed.
B’s bariatrics: a stunning example of what you can do when your patients are ample.
C is for Code Blue. We run and we shout, but only some of us know what it’s about.
D is for doctors: our colleagues in arms, for whom we watch vitals, asses, sound alarms.
E’s for Emergency: that’s where you’ll linger if you’ve broken a hip or just chopped off a finger.
F is for Foley: they’re truly convenient. Too bad the rules governing them aren’t very lenient.
G’s gynecology. What can I say? Most of us want to keep those docs away.
H is for housekeeping: they flip our rooms, and trundle about with their buckets and brooms.
I is for IV: the needles we stick through skin that is freckled, or wrinkled, or thick.
J is for JCHAO. The less said the better; I wish I had simply skipped over this letter.
K is potassium, so necessary. A lack of it can make your heart rhythms scary.
L is for lift help! The cry has gone out, and gathered all nurses, both wiry and stout.
M’s MRI. Does your brain have a clot? Then we should be able to see it. Or not.
N is neurology. That is my gig. For all other systems, I care not a fig.
O is oncology, sometimes depressing. Except when their patients are all convalescing.
P is for payday! The reason we work when every third patient’s a creep and a jerk.
Q is for Quality Rounds. The JC, in its all-knowing wisdom, has caused them to be.
R’s for restraints: though we don’t like their uses, it’s sometimes much better than suffering
S is for surgery. What that’s about, is knowing both what to leave in and take out.
T’s for telemetry. Have you a heart? Those people can tell when it stops and it starts.
U is urology! Peepees galore! And drains, and those stents. (Say … just what are those for?)
V is for vitamins! B makes you nervy, while less D or C gives you rickets and scurvy.
W’s working all day on our feet, and wheat beer for when our last shift is complete.
X is for X-ray. They see through the skin, to your bones and your organs and secrets within.
Y is for yelling. We do it sometimes. And here we are: close to the end of my rhymes.
Zzzz is the noise that we make when we sleep. May yours all be peaceful, and dreamless, and deep.
Agatha Lellis is a nurse whose coffee is brought to her every morning by a chipmunk. Bluebirds help her to dress, and small woodland creatures sing her to sleep each night. She writes a monthly advice column, "Ask Aunt Agatha," here on Scrubs; you can send her questions to be answered at firstname.lastname@example.org.
By Agatha Lellis