Scrubs

14 things I wish my patients knew

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Shutterstock | Viktor GladkovShutterstock | Viktor Gladkov

My job would be so much easier if my patients were aware of these 14 facts…

1. Medications come in different dosages. You might take one pill at home, but get two at the hospital. That does not necessarily mean anything’s wrong.

2. Medications also come in different colors. Your green pill might not be the same as our green pill.

3. Yes, the blood pressure cuff gets tight. That’s because it’s taking your blood pressure.

4. Nurses are not now, have never been and never will be sex workers. No matter how nicely you ask.

5. I have other patients.

6. Doctors are usually late, except when they’re very, very late.

7. Nothing in the hospital is convenient, quick or easy. That’s just how we roll.

8. I have nothing to do with the cost of your insurance or the prices you’ll be charged for things in the hospital. Neither do I care about any of that.

9. When I get really calm and cheerful, something horrible is happening or is about to happen.

10. If you pretend to have chest pain or a seizure just to get my attention, you’ll get it. But not how you want it.

11. Most, if not all, of the things we do to you are both unpleasant and necessary.

12. If you threaten to leave AMA, I will happily call both your bluff and a taxi.

13. I’ve seen whatever that is before, enough times that it’s no longer a shock.

14. This won’t hurt a bit. At least, it won’t hurt me.

What would you add to the list?

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