Nearly every provider has at least one crazy patient story. It comes with the territory when you’re caring for people at their worst. From tragic accidents to hilarious fails, nurses usually don’t have to go too far out of their way to see something out of the ordinary. They are there taking care of patients whether or not the doctor’s around, which means they get a front row seat to pretty much everything that can go wrong in the healthcare setting.
We asked millions of nurses to share their craziest patient stories, and we got more than we bargained for. Here’s what they had to say:
- 2 patients in labor, same baby dad. Didn’t know about each other. I found out when I was really confused about seeing the same guy in another room. – Keri J.
- Had a guy come in with a glass bottle stuck up his bum. He was apparently kidnapped, blindfolded, thrown into the back of a van, and assaulted by his captor before escaping. 🤦♀️ – Matt and Heather S.
- Guy admitted to AMU high on…something. About 3 AM he runs out the ward naked. Stops at a table outside a room, takes a jug of water, throws it over himself, then does a helicopter with his bits shouting, “Wayhay!” And runs on again. Was my colleague’s last shift with us. We had joked about getting her a stripper, didn’t quite bank on that 🤣🤣 – Marie Zieba A.
- I looked over and a patient had LIT HIS WAIST RESTRAINT ON FIRE. I ran into his room and got a wet towel to smother the fire, all the while saying “What are you doing?!” Apparently he came in with a lighter in his pocket. I guess no one checked his pockets when he was admitted and placed the bag with his belongings close enough to him that he could get to the lighter. Thank goodness (and surprisingly!) no one was injured. – Ann P.
- I had a boy, around 8 years old in the ICU. He was off his sedation, but not waking up. I was very busy, and didn’t have a second to take my percolating self to the bathroom. I tried not to, but I passed gas; just a little bit, mind you. All of a sudden, I was surprised to hear the boy say…”Who farted?” – Lisa B.
- Took a patient with dementia to the bathroom and waited for her outside the door. I kept asking every few minutes if she was ready and she kept saying almost! Finally, I peek in and she has nearly a whole toilet paper roll unwound in a giant wad on her lap! I say, “Hey! …What are we doing?” She says, “I don’t know but it just keeps coming!!!” 😅 poor thing had forgotten how to tear toilet paper. – Heather L. H.
- I work in an outpatient surgery center. Every female of childbearing age has to have a pregnancy test. So we do the urine pregnancy test as we are admitting them. The young woman gave me her specimen and I commented that it was awfully clear. And her reply was, well I couldn’t go much so I dipped it in the toilet to add water to make it easier for you to do the test! 🥴 – Lisa S. H.
- A patient used to literally roll his feces into little round balls, line them up on his bedside table, and flick them as we walked by because our uniform was white pants. He used to make a ‘pew’ sound effect. We all tried to outrun the dookie bullets or hold up a blanket. I shoulda quit then, but here I am 20 years later still scarred 😂💩 – Deana T.
- Looked after a lady with dementia who was convinced 11 cats were in her bedroom, I had to physically “pick up” 11 cats and take them out one by one until the lady was satisfied 🥲😂 – Becca T.
- Had a patient that was 100% convinced that I had shrunk her 3 children and that they were in a chair I was about to sit in. After going back and forth telling her no one was there, I finally decided to just go along with it so she would stop yelling/pleading/crying. I had to pick each “child” up and sit them where she wanted them to be. Then I had to apologize to them for almost squishing them. 🙃 – ShaQuanda G.
- Had skin graft thrown at me 😂 – Becci K.
- Had a patient tell me there was a little girl about 7-8 who looked just like me that stood behind me. I had an ectopic pregnancy 9 years previous. It was a night shift too. Sent shivers down my spine. – Emma K.
- Had to start a foley on a 500lb man on Lasix. I swear to you I Could Not find his penis… like it was buried under rolls and I just couldn’t figure it out… I asked a coworker to go see if he could find it…. he came out and said, “I didn’t see anything wrong, it all looked just fine I don’t know what you’re talking about”. Confused, I said “Ummm, which room did you go in??” He said, “room 12”. The patient I told him to help me with was room 14… he went in a random room and checked someone’s “vital organ” to see if it was ok…. and to make it worse, the random patient was blind and his boyfriend was at his bedside. Must have been really strange… – Katelyn M.
And last but not least…
I’m not a nurse, but read these comments and have decided y’all don’t get paid enough. 😅 – Lowry B.